Boy Scout Troop 68, Melrose, MN

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Melrose Boy Scout Troop 68's
Favorite Campfire Skits

The Bell Ringer (parts 1-3)
Clifftop Turrmoil
Expectant Fathers
A Pain In The Pullman
Radio Airwaves


The Bell Ringer
Props: Coat with football or wadded clothing under it for the Hunchback, hat or nightstick for Gendarme.

Bell Ringer Part # 1

       Announcer: The Hunchback of Notre Dame has decided to retire, and has place an ad in the Paris Times for someone to come and learn how to ring the bells.
       Effects: (Knock, knock, knock)
       Hunchback: (Gravely voice) Oh, somebody must be here about my job. I'll go down and see.
       (Goes 'round and 'round the campfire, as if going down the bell tower, bent over due to hunch.)
       Effects : (Knock, knock, knock)
       Hunchback: (Angrily) I'm coming, I'm coming. There's a lot of stairs here. (Arrives at and opens the door.)
       Hunchback: Yeah ! What do you want ?
       Applicant: I'm here about the bell ringer's job.
       Hunchback: All right ! Come on up and I'll see if you can do the job. (Begins to go up (the other way around) followed by the applicant.)
       Applicant: Boy, the ceiling is not very high here, is it ?
       Hunchback: Listen, you go up and down these stairs 20 times a day for 45 years and you just learn to stay bent over. Hey, did you close that door, didn't you ?
       Applicant: I don't know. I don't remember.
       Hunchback: Well, we gotta go down and keep it locked, can't run up the church's fuel bill. (Both turn around and go back.)
       Hunchback: That's the first thing you gotta learn. Keep the door closed. Up and down these stairs, that's the hard part. (Arriving at door) O.K., so now you're here, close the door.
       Applicant: (Closes door) How are the benefits in this job ?
       Hunchback: (Both going back up) Well, it has it's ups and downs. The Church board will buy you ear plugs every six months and a new bottle of bell polish once a year (Finally arriving at the bell)
       All right, now you stand over there, and I'll show you how it's done. First you grab the bell here and push it out very hard (steps back and follows path of bell out and back) back on it's own. That's all there is to it. Do you think you can do that ?
       Applicant: Sure ! (does the action with the bell, but does not step back, is hit by bell and falls back, to the ground)
       Hunchback: Oh my gosh ! He's fallen 15 stories to the sidewalk. I'd better get down there. (Goes 'round and 'round until he reaches the ground)
       (Crowd enters mumbling, stops astonished at body)
       Gendarme : (Entering, calls to Hunchback) Hey you ! Do you know this guy ? (Rolls body over with foot)
       Hunchback: No, but his face sure rings a bell !

Bell Ringer Part # 2

       (The trick with this skit is to do it the night after doing Bell Ringer #1, and to do everything exactly the same - perhaps with a little more 'hamming it up')

       (When the Applicant arrives the Hunchback says:)
       Hunchback: You look just like the guy who was here yesterday.
       Applicant: Oh, that was my twin brother.
       (Revert to the original dialog again. The audience will think it's getting a re-run and prepare itself for a 'groaner' of a cheer. When they hear the ending, you'll get a great reaction.)
       (Carry on with dialog, except for the last line.)
       Hunchback: No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy who was here yesterday !

Bell Ringer Part # 3
Props: Rain slickers, blanket, and Gendarme gear from above.

       (To be used ONLY when Bell Ringer #1 and #2 have been used.)
       (Two players enter in rain slickers holding blanket between them like a jumping net. The jig and jog around the performing area.)

       Gendarme : (Entering) Hey, what are you guys doing ?
       Fireman #1: Well, the last two nights some guy has jumped out of that bell tower, and we came to catch him !

Clifftop Turmoil

Participants:  Scoutmaster and four scouts.
Setting: The group is arriving on the top of a cliff to camp. The Scoutmaster is in full uniform while the scouts are all extremely rag-tag looking.
Props:  One tent in a bag.

Scoutmaster:  “What a gorgeous view! This is a great place to camp. But I want all you boys to stay away from that cliff edge. That’s a 3000 foot drop, you you boys be sure to stay away from it.”
(The boys are paying no attention whatsoever. The Scoutmaster continues.)
Scoutmaster:  “Billy, you had the pack with the food in it. Where is it?”
Billy:  “It was too heavy to carry. It’s back 15 miles, back where we started.”
Scoutmaster:  “George, you did bring the saw so we could cut the wood, didn’t you?”
George:  “No sir. I left it at home.”
(The scoutmaster is starting to get disgusted.)
Scoutmaster:  “Peter, did you remember to bring the matches?”
Peter:  “Yes, I did, but I lost them on the way.”
Scoutmaster:  “That’s great! That’s just great! We have no food. We can’t chop wood to build a fire. Not that we could start a fire anyway since we don’t have any matches. Oh well, at least we have this great view. I see that Mike brought the tent. At Least we have that. Okay, we’ll camp here. Mike, pitch the tent.”
Mike:  “But, sir...”
Scoutmaster (enraged):  “I’m not going to tell you again. PITCH THE TENT!”
(Mike shrugs his shoulders, turns toward the cliff, and pitches it over the edge.)

Expectant Fathers

Four fathers are pacing nervously around the waiting room, waiting for news of their wives. 
A nurse enters the room.
Nurse: “Mr. Brown?”
Mr. Brown steps forward in nervous anticipation.
Mr. Brown: “Yes. Yes!”
Nurse: “Mr. Brown, you are the proud father of healthy twins.”
Mr. Brown: “Why that’s a coincidence. I work at Twin City Federal Bank.”
The nurse and Mr. Brown walk off stage. The rest of the fathers continue their pacing.

Nurse: “Mr. White?”
Mr. White steps forward in nervous anticipation.
Mr. White: “Yes. Yes!”
Nurse: “Mr. White, you are the proud father of healthy triplets.”
Mr. White: “Why that’s a coincidence. I work at 3M.”
The nurse and Mr. White walk off stage. The rest of the fathers continue their pacing.

A nurse enters the room.
Nurse: “Mr. Black?”
Mr. Black steps forward in nervous anticipation.
Mr. Black: “Yes. Yes!”
Nurse: “Mr. Black, you are the proud father of healthy quadruplets.”
Mr. Black: “Why that’s a coincidence. I work at Twin City Federal.”
As Mr. Black walks off stage the last of the fathers begins to panic. 
The nurse quickly grabs him and asks, “Excuse me sir. What is the problem?”
The last father screams, “Don’t you understand? I work for 7-Up!!!” He breaks away from the nurse and runs off stage.

A Pain in the Pullman

Participants: A conductor, a mother, a baby, and a passenger.
Setting:  The mother is holding the baby on her lap as a passenger approaches. The baby is unusually large, as is the mother.
Props:  One chair or stool for the mother to sit on.

Passenger: “Lady, I don’t mean to offend you, but that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen.”
Mother: “Why you brute! How dare you say such a thing.”
Passenger: “Just look at that thing. He’s so ugly. How can you stand it?”
Mother: “You Beast!!! Conductor! Conductor!”
(The conductor comes racing on the stage and rapidly crosses to the mother.)
Conductor: “What’s the matter, maam?”
Mother: “This mother insulted my baby!”
Conductor (sternly):   “Sir, I’ll have to ask you to leave this women alone.”
Passenger: “Look, I”m sorry, but holy cow, that thing is ugly!”
(The passenger leaves stage. The conductor smiles to the mother.)
Conductor: “He won’t bother you anymore maam.”
Mother: “Well, I hope not. This has been most upsetting.”
Conductor: “Well, maam, it is the policy of this railroad that all our passengers are kept 
 happy. So, if you like, I could bring you a free drink from the bar. And on the way, 
 how about if I stop by the kitchen and pick up a banana for your monkey?”

Radio Airwaves
(5 people needed to be radio station announcers)

 On the way to the (meeting/outing/camp) tonight, we were listening to the radio, but we were having trouble keeping a single station on the air. The stations kept overlapping each other. Just as we starting getting interested in one thing the station would switch and something entirely different would come on. It sounded something like this....

 Are you missing something in your life? Do you always find yourself unprepared? Do you like camping and hiking in the great outdoors? If you do then join the Boy Scouts of America. Scouting today - it’s a lot more than...
 ...a beautiful day at the county stadium were the (team name) are hosting the Twins. It looks like it will be a very close battle today as both teams are very strong and led by two great pitchers, Scott and (other team pitcher). The Twins will be at the plate first. Leading off the batting order will be...
 ...meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, peas. And we will top it off with apple pie for desert. Okay ladies, get out your note pads and your cooking utensils. Listen carefully and you will learn how to prepare this scrumptious dish to please that hard working hungry husband of yours after a long day’s work at...
Story time:
 ...Fantasy land, where all of your dreams come true. Hello boys and girls. Today’s story is an old time favorite. It is about a famous little girl and her dear old grandmother who...
 ...dirty, rotten, no good two bit, double crossing crook and when I get my hands on him I’ll pulverize him to a pulp, fit him to a pair of concrete shoes, and he will never be seen in my territory again. Even if the low down, dirty rat is...
 ...the next batter at the plate for the Twins. Here’s the first pitch...  It’s a ball, outside. The pitcher gets his signals. He winds up... Whoa! It’s a hard fast ball right down the pipe. Strike one. The count is one and one. The pitcher delivers again. The batter swings...
 ...the meatloaf into the pan and fry for fifteen minutes or until brown. Now ladies, this next step is very crucial to the success of your meatloaf. If you don’t get it correctly...
 ...I’ll bash your head in and make mash potatoes out of your face. So don’t mess up or I’ll send you to...
 ...the Boy Scouts of America. Just imagine the fun you’ll have swimming, boating, hiking, and sitting around the campfire at night. Only you, the stars, the moon and...
Story time:
 ...Little Red Riding Hood”, said the wolf. “What do you have in your basket?”  “Well, Mr. Wolf”, said Little Red Riding Hood, “I have...
 ...two outs! Twins on first and second at the bottom of the third and they are down by two runs. They’ve got to have a hit with this batter or they’re...
 ...meatloaf will be burnt, so be careful ladies, because burnt meatloaf can cause...
 ...a home run! And that will put the Twins in the lead, 6 to 5, in the bottom of the sixth inning here at county stadium. Wow! What a change of events. This game has changed from a dull, typical pitchers battle to an...
 ...afternoon of fun and adventure at the beautiful (campground name). And remember, as the Boy Scout motto states, Be Prepared to...
 ...get your guts blown out if you double cross me again. I’ll put so many holes in you that you’ll look like a screen door. No one fools around with me except...
 ...the Boy Scouts of America...
 ...have struck out again, and boy is the (other team)’s manager giving it to the ump. I can just imagine saying...
Story time:
 ...My, what big eyes you have grandmother”, said Little Red Riding Hood.  “The better to see you with my dear,” said the wolf.  “And grandmother”, said Little Red Riding Hood, “what a big you have...
 ...says the ump to the (other team)’s manager as he throws him out of the game. Well, Bob, it looks like the only thing that can save the (other team’s name) now is...
 ...the Boy Scouts of America...
 ...and your piping hot peas. By now your pie crust should be tender and flaky, just like ...
Story time:
 ...Little Red Riding Hood was about to be gobbled up by the wicked old wolf. Suddenly, the door burst open, and the woodsman said...
Gangster: dirty bugger. I’ve got you dead to right now. Mess with my girl, will you? Well, no one messes with my girl and gets away with it. The only thing that can save you now is...
 ...the Twins...
 ...your crisp apple pie..
Story time:
 ...Little Red Riding Hood..
 ...and the Boy Scouts of America.


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